The Scampering Horse

I didn't end up writing a family Christmas letter this year, because writing the glossed over Christmas letter felt fake. In reality, this year was very difficult for me emotionally, spiritually, and socially. I faced the most difficult depressive episode I have ever faced in my life. It was longer, more intense, and lower than I've ever had before. In addition to depression, I had to deal with a social situation that both exacerbated the depression and created a learning experience all its own. I experienced social anxiety and panic attacks for the first time. Dealing with healing and letting go of relationships, all the while having my actions or inactions, words or lack thereof being looked at, judged, and then retold to me through the microscope of my small town added another layer of confusion, guilt, and difficulty in navigating my mental health/social/spiritual recovery. The year was hard. It pushed me in directions I didn't naturally move in. It made me miss...

Today is the second snow day in a row. When I was a kid, I loved snow days. I would play in the snow, and watch movies, make crafts, my mom would bake something delicious. Playing in the snow involved intricate waterproofing involving plastic bags inside of socks, and the art of layering. I grew up in New Mexico and our snow days were few and far between, but we loved it. We would make snow ice-cream: snow, milk, vanilla, and sugar. And, I would make a giant mess involving paper, scissors, water color paints. Or maybe we would play a giant game of Monopoly. Anyways, snow days were joyful days. I am lame at snow days as a mom. I don't like going OUT in the snow, so I am stuck inside, avoiding the snow. I clean. I do laundry. I rest up, being home is exhausting, and I clean up after my kids. Not as fun. Anyway. Today is the second snow day in a row. Yesterday, I had a sick husband and a sick child, and I didn't feel so hot myself. I spent a lot of the day fevering and comp...

I lived in Beijing, China in 2007 for a few months. We left Las Cruces, NM and flew into the bustling airport of Beijing in February and came home in July. Ian studied Chinese language on a study abroad. I kept up my masters degree classwork online. It was so stressful. Naively, we went relying on the college to help us with housing, but once we got there we were informed that there was no married student housing. Students in China are not allowed to marry while going to college. We were homeless in a place where I was completely reliant other people to take care of  me. I was taking care of my first baby. She was nine month old, and I was newly pregnant with baby number two. I was sick. I was super hungry, and finding food was kind of hard and confusing. Grocery stores weren't plentiful, transportation was difficult, and we didn't know where things were. It was cold. So cold. We lived for a couple of weeks in a motel that smelled like smoke because smoking outside isn't ...

"Gratitude turns what we have into enough." -a yellow internet meme One of the things I did in my counseling sessions, and the assigned homework, was focus on gratitude. It was really hard at first, because my gratitude list was short and shallow. But, it got longer, and better. This weekend was a tough one. I don't know if you know, but something bad happened in Paris. Humans killing massive amounts of other humans is one of my depression triggers. The senseless brutality that comes on families is like a force of nature that comes without warning. So, I was on edge. I could tell I was getting triggered because I started yelling at my family about how dirty the house was and nobody was helping me. I felt the need to get out of my house and away from my children. It is the anger stage, before the sadness comes on. Scary. So, it is time to be grateful. 1. Heather Holm beat Ronda Rousey: I love this fight. I am a New Mexican girl, and Holly is a fellow green chile...

So, I am a big time actress now. I have been rehearsing a show for a couple of months. I have 4 co-stars and the play we are performing is "Parallel Lives." It is a show with vignettes from women's lives. I play a migrant farm worker with 8 children, a man who wears a baseball cap, a shy lady without a tampon, a teenage girl who just watched West-Side Story, an angel, a deer, a fish, a 60 year old woman who went back to school, a lesbian vegan poet/performer, a Southern damsel with strange ideas about love, and a woman getting ready in the morning. It is a busy show. My favorite dialogue is when I am Gina, talking to my best friend Annette about love, and her boyfriend. My favorite scene is when I am a lesbian vegan poet/performer because I am shockingly eccentric. I have a really hard time not laughing and staying serious in that play. Since I am a big time actress in a small town community theater, I recently did an interview with myself, asking all the hard questions....

Yesterday I ran a 10k in Gering, NE. I drove down alone, and met a new friend who lives in another town. We don't know each other very well, but we both enjoy running, so that is usually enough. We talked before and after the race. During the race she was busy getting 1st place out of all the women, averaging a 7:30 minute mile pace. I know...speedy. I was...further behind trotting along at my 9:40 mile pace and feeling every single step of it. Seriously, it was as fast as I could go, and I had a side ache, and breathing was tough, and my left hip/knee were a little ouchy. Last year, I ran the very same 10k, with this bunch. A year ago at the same race. We drove together, and ran. Then we went to Target and ate steak nachos. It was our only race as a group. I had such a great day with these women. I had trained and ran my first and second half marathons a month or so before this day. A year ago, I led the pack, with my friend Kelly right behind me.  Last year I got second...

In my 7th grade Civics class we learned about Civil Rights. In the book there are three pages with information on Rosa Parks, The Montgomery Boycott, Martin Luther King Jr., Brown vs The Board of Education, and the 15th Amendment. Is also had a line mentioning Freedom Riders. Who were they? Well, I learned about an amazing movement of nonviolence, civil disobedience, pushing against social structures of injustice, and the power of unity. A group of people had an idea to start in Washington D.C. and ride the bus to New Orleans. Simple. It was a group of black and white people who wanted to desegregate public transportation. Diane Nash there in the middle. Look her up. Well, not just people. People whose ancestors had been forced into slavery, manual labor, sexual violence, forced family separations, physical brutality and all of the issues that forced abuse does to emotions and minds. I have learned all about what emotional abuse does to children. The statistics aren't ...

I don't post much about my children. This isn't usually that kind of blog. But, I had a friend do a snapshot blogpost of her children to capture them how they are in this moment, and I loved reading it. So, I am going to copy her. Thanks for the great idea Michelle! My oldest child is in fourth grade. She has a gigantic backpack for her small size, and a big math book. She does homework every night. We have had homework struggles previous years, but no more! She just does her homework and we don't really even talk about it. I can't keep up with her appetite for books. She has brackets on her front teeth in order to get them straightened out, and she looks so much older with those things on. She looks teenagery. My dear girl loves two particular friends out of all the friends. She likes to go to their houses to play. They live close enough that she goes over on her razor scooter, and then comes home before dark. She loves animals, and all living things. I can count o...

Going to church has been hard for me . My depression has a tough time in church, but I have had a hard time even with my depression well under control.  I have also had socially painful experiences. The worst of my life.  I have left many sacrament meetings in tears. I have walked out of several relief society lessons. I have had panic attacks at the thought of even attending church. I have had frequently had the thought, "Why bother?" Those of you who have known me throughout my life may be surprised at this. I have always been very diligent in my religion. I never really went through a rebellious stage in high school or college. I have felt that God is real, and a present part of my life. I attended early morning seminary before school all through high school. I attended Girls Camp every summer, sometimes two of them.  I took multiple institute classes at a time all through college. I read scriptures and wrote in my journal daily. I was married in the temple to a...

   This is my first year as a teacher. I teach middle school math, Civics, and English. I am not sure if civics should be capitalized and math should not. The capitalization of English as a subject, I am confident on. In my mind, English is much less capitalized than the other two, because I require so much prep time, and they make me a little anxious. Teaching poetry elements is like swimming in a hot tub.    The school I teach at is surrounded by farmland. The middle school and high school are combined. The superintendent office is in the building. All the students have the same lunch period. We play 8 man football, and are seriously considering going to 6 man. There is not even an Alco here. It is a small school.    I have the 7th graders three times during the day. They move from class to class together. I see them for English, Civics, and Math. I also frequently eat lunch with them in the cafeteria. I also see them before school while they are playin...

My last post, when I ran 33 miles in one day, I was the queen of the world. Today, I ran 0 miles and I am the queen of nothing. Work was hard today. I wasn't feeling one-hundred percent physically-tummy issues. Also, I was tired. Plus, since I am new and taking each day as it comes, I wasn't absolutely prepared in every way for every class period, and my students were in and out of classes testing for NEWA (that stands for something), so they were off their schedule. Also, I got out of bed late, and my two year old didn't have any clean shirts so he had to re-wear yesterday's dirty shirt, and I was out of peaches for breakfast and I had to have apples with my cottage cheese instead. Peaches are better. And these were not the first defeats of the season. Last week I spent a ton of time with my dad fighting a speeding ticket in Sterling, CO, and the judge was nice but didn't like my defense and I had to pay that stupid ticket anyway. Don't get me wrong, I am...

I just ran a lot. The event was Ragnar. It is a thing people pay to do because our lives aren't difficult enough. And people like to do hard things together Also, it is fun. Ragnar is a 200 mile relay race where each team has a runner going throughout the day and night. Did I mention people pay to do this? I just kind of can't get over it. I paid. There is a culture surrounding the event, involving costumes, vans with writing on them, glow-sticks, and a symbol that looks like an alien butterfly. Doesn't' that thing look like an alien butterfly? Anyway, I had planned on doing a trail Ragnar earlier in the year. That is where you camp, and run along trails. I love camping. I love running: it seemed like the perfect combination. Unfortunately, that event didn't work out for me for a few different reasons. But, the seed had been planted in my mind to do a Ragnar, and I was waiting for the opportunity to try one out and see if it is for me. This past Thursday mor...

I have started a new thing. It is an intense exercise program where someone else tells me what to do and I do the workout with a bunch of people. I find it very similar to personal training, but there are other people to workout with you. Some people call this program "Cross-fit," but I hesitate to tell you that because then you will think I can do a pull-up and that I throw up when I am working out.  I can't do an unmodified pull-up, and I haven't thrown up. I am still me, guys. Relax. It is just kind of a  cult . Not a big deal. Here is something super different about me though. I am changing what I eat.  I have never ever followed a program. Never. At all. Not weight watchers, not calorie counting, not anything. I tried to be vegetarian for a month or two my sophomore year in college, and I got really tired, and quit that. I am being basically the opposite of vegetarian right now. I can't even think about all the cute little animals...can't think about it...