My Weapon is Gratitude

"Gratitude turns what we have into enough."

-a yellow internet meme

One of the things I did in my counseling sessions, and the assigned homework, was focus on gratitude. It was really hard at first, because my gratitude list was short and shallow. But, it got longer, and better.

This weekend was a tough one. I don't know if you know, but something bad happened in Paris. Humans killing massive amounts of other humans is one of my depression triggers. The senseless brutality that comes on families is like a force of nature that comes without warning. So, I was on edge. I could tell I was getting triggered because I started yelling at my family about how dirty the house was and nobody was helping me. I felt the need to get out of my house and away from my children. It is the anger stage, before the sadness comes on. Scary.

So, it is time to be grateful.

1. Heather Holm beat Ronda Rousey: I love this fight. I am a New Mexican girl, and Holly is a fellow green chile eater. We were born under the same zia symbol. I am so proud of her dedication, athleticism, and class. I am not a fighter. I can't take a punch, but I can admire a woman who can.

2. My 9 year old: She is always towards the top of my list. She is a sweetheart, and loves so deeply. She got into the school spelling bee, and she is ecstatic. Her classroom had a written spelling test and the top two in the class get to participate in the spelling bee against 4-6 graders. She has her list of words she is studying, and really wants to do well. I love her. (This is not an insult or lack of love to my other children).

3. Music. Today was the primary program in church, and it was adorable. My children were very cute, and sang the songs---or played with their eyes while other people sang songs. Either way, they were awesome, and the quantity of singing to speaking was favorable. Also, I am singing Christmas music in the ward choir, and I love it.

4.  My play: I am grateful I was in the play, and I am grateful it is over. I had a fabulous last night. Three friends wore coordinating creme colored sweaters and sat on the front row, laughing so much their cheeks hurt. It was the perfect ending to so many months of effort. Also, I made great friendships with my co-actresses. I love those ladies. I love their good hearts, and their senses of humor, and their smart phones, and the quantity of skittles we can eat together. I love how we created a high quality product together, and I admire their talent on the stage greatly. It was very fun.

5. Teaching: I really love my job. I am learning a million things every second, and it fills me up emotionally, intellectually, academically, and socially. The students I work with are eager learners who try hard and come to school with their big dreams and tough baggage, and trust me to fill their brains up with something worthwhile. It is a wonderful challenge, and I am so grateful for every day I am blessed to be a teacher.

6.  Pretty dresses: I am kind of shallow. I love pretty dresses. I was told after an ultrasound my first child was a girl, and I had  a wonderful friend give me so many gorgeous baby girl dresses the night before I went into the hospital to deliver her. But, I was worried she was a boy, so I didn't take the tags off. When my was born, and I was assured she was indeed a girl, my first sentence was "Oh good, I get to keep all the pretty dresses." It was sincere. I love pretty dresses. My closet is filling up with them since I can wear them to work, and I just love wearing dresses. They twirl, and my dresses have pockets, and I can wear cute shoes with them and necklaces, and fun colorful tights, and teach a class. Dresses are awesome.

7. New pillows: I bought new pillows. It was time. They are dreamy.

8. Beautiful photographs: I am so grateful for the age of digital photography. I feel connected and inspired by the images of beauty I see and create.  My favorite photos are of redheads with freckles. There is nothing more perfect than that combination of coloring. I also love a black and white filled with emotion. There is something about the complete absence of color that helps the vulnerability and hope of the image come through clearly.

9. Golden Grahams: I've been on a kick for a couple of months now. I guess, ever since I did the primal diet. Once I was off primal, I sort of started my own, Golden Grahams diet where I eat a couple of bowls a day. My stomach is fluffier, but my heart is full.

10. Sunshine: Man, I love that sun. It is getting further away, and colder, but it is amazing in its beauty and constancy. It is gorgeous on the fields while I am driving to and from work, and it is gorgeous as it breaks through the clouds in streams.

11. Second chances: I am glad I am constantly evolving and changing. Repentance, change, learning, it is all a chance to become better and make the future different than the past. "Let the past be in the past." Wise words, and I am grateful for the future.

12. Literature: I love how people create something out of absolute nothing. Characters, ideas, philosophies, all get created and polished and then I get to read it. It is a miracle that the thoughts from someone else's brain can come into mine. My thoughts can also get into someone else's brain. And we don't even have to do weird, illegal surgeries!

13. Good friends: I have been learning about how important connections with other people are in a psychological way. Meaningful connections take effort, and I am grateful for the people I share connections with. I feel like I am part of a big beautiful web and my life is intertwined with good people around me.

14. Flowers: One of my favorite luxuries are fresh cut flowers. I know, it is sad the flower dies, but it was going to die anyway. It might as well die on my table where I love it. I had a friend give me flowers, because I am a big time actress in a small town community theater, and it was pretty awesome. The flowers are sitting on my table, brightening up the room and reminding me of life, growing, and thoughtful people.

15. Laughter: What would we even do without this spontaneous bodily function?