Faith Lives in Our Memory
Going to church has been hard for me. My depression has a tough time in church, but I have had a hard time even with my depression well under control. I have also had socially painful experiences. The worst of my life. I have left many sacrament meetings in tears. I have walked out of several relief society lessons. I have had panic attacks at the thought of even attending church. I have had frequently had the thought, "Why bother?"
Those of you who have known me throughout my life may be surprised at this. I have always been very diligent in my religion. I never really went through a rebellious stage in high school or college. I have felt that God is real, and a present part of my life. I attended early morning seminary before school all through high school. I attended Girls Camp every summer, sometimes two of them. I took multiple institute classes at a time all through college. I read scriptures and wrote in my journal daily. I was married in the temple to a man I love. I had children, and gave homes to little spirits wanting to come to Earth. I have diligently filled my church callings. I even went to EFY as a teenager for crying out loud! I should be safe from any falterings of faith. But, I'm not.
Depression has effected my spiritual journey. The nature of mental illness is that it is difficult to feel positive emotions. The chemicals are imbalanced and the good vibes can't get through. It is difficult to feel love from people. Since it is difficult feel positive emotions, and God frequently speaks to me through emotional inspiration, I feel the absence of God. Those warm fuzzies, and the comfort of a warm blanket that we tell children the spirit feels like do not enter in. Even when I am in the right places, doing the right things, depression makes it where you don't feel that.
This summer, my husband and I were invited to share a musical number in our local Presbyterian congregation. First of all, I love this idea. What a beautiful way to share faith within our community by inviting people outside of our congregation to share musical talents. We sang, "How Can I Keep from Singing." Ian played the piano while he sang, which makes him super-duper attractive. We brought our two oldest girls with us to the Presbyterian church, and sent our two little ones with a friend to the church they are familiar with, because let's face it, they are kind of all over the place even in familiar territory.
The acoustics in the building were lovely. My two big girls were fascinated with the stain-glass window that said "Holy Bible." They pronounced it bibel, and giggled their sweet little Sabbath brains out.
Faith resides in our memory.
Pastor Tom, who plays the guitar, so he is already awesome, gave a sermon about the armor of God.
You know all the armor: breastplate of righteousness, belt of truth, sword of truth. That armor found in Ephesians. He talked about the use of uniforms in war, and how armor is a relatively modern idea. Armor is defensive. However, there is one aspect of defense that can be used offensively.
He talked about faith, the shield of faith. When used by somebody who knows what they are doing, the shield can also be used offensively, And he talked about where faith resides within us. It isn't on our arm, where a shield would normally go. Faith lives in our memory.
Just thinking about that blows my mind. It is so accurate. Our thoughts, in the most literal sense define us. This is how faith is a choice. What do we choose to remember?
Our memory. That is why God asks us to read scripture over and over again; that is why journaling about experiences that bolster our faith is important. That is why God tells us over and over again to remember things.
There is a scripture in Alma chapter 32 that compares faith to a seed, and we plant it in our hearts and nourish it. If the seed is good it will grow and produce fruit. I think the fruit of faith is memories. Interpretations of life events even. A lens that we can see the world with, and interpret God in our life. We can go ahead and plant that seed in our hearts, but it is going to live in our minds, and grow based on memories.
That is why we are reminded in the sacrament prayer "always remember him, and keep his commandments that he has given them." That prayer is saying to remember Jesus. Faith in Jesus the shield. What we remember is a choice. Our brain is truly so powerful.
So, I am still going to church. It is a struggle every Sunday to convince myself to try again. I have had friends ask,"Why do you still go?" These are kind friends, who are worried about me, and they aren't trying to persuade me one way or another. I feel like I have a lot I need to learn, and I can learn it by going to church with my imperfection. Maybe I could learn it somewhere else too, but I can certainly learn it here. I can learn forgiveness, patience, reliance on God instead of man, and humility.
I have felt God's love again. Even at church. It usually comes through music, when I am singing. I have also felt it in the smiles of people around me, all of us trying to strengthen our faith. But, when I think about Jesus, and remember Him, it is easier.
Those of you who have known me throughout my life may be surprised at this. I have always been very diligent in my religion. I never really went through a rebellious stage in high school or college. I have felt that God is real, and a present part of my life. I attended early morning seminary before school all through high school. I attended Girls Camp every summer, sometimes two of them. I took multiple institute classes at a time all through college. I read scriptures and wrote in my journal daily. I was married in the temple to a man I love. I had children, and gave homes to little spirits wanting to come to Earth. I have diligently filled my church callings. I even went to EFY as a teenager for crying out loud! I should be safe from any falterings of faith. But, I'm not.
Depression has effected my spiritual journey. The nature of mental illness is that it is difficult to feel positive emotions. The chemicals are imbalanced and the good vibes can't get through. It is difficult to feel love from people. Since it is difficult feel positive emotions, and God frequently speaks to me through emotional inspiration, I feel the absence of God. Those warm fuzzies, and the comfort of a warm blanket that we tell children the spirit feels like do not enter in. Even when I am in the right places, doing the right things, depression makes it where you don't feel that.
This summer, my husband and I were invited to share a musical number in our local Presbyterian congregation. First of all, I love this idea. What a beautiful way to share faith within our community by inviting people outside of our congregation to share musical talents. We sang, "How Can I Keep from Singing." Ian played the piano while he sang, which makes him super-duper attractive. We brought our two oldest girls with us to the Presbyterian church, and sent our two little ones with a friend to the church they are familiar with, because let's face it, they are kind of all over the place even in familiar territory.
The acoustics in the building were lovely. My two big girls were fascinated with the stain-glass window that said "Holy Bible." They pronounced it bibel, and giggled their sweet little Sabbath brains out.
Faith resides in our memory.
Pastor Tom, who plays the guitar, so he is already awesome, gave a sermon about the armor of God.
You know all the armor: breastplate of righteousness, belt of truth, sword of truth. That armor found in Ephesians. He talked about the use of uniforms in war, and how armor is a relatively modern idea. Armor is defensive. However, there is one aspect of defense that can be used offensively.
He talked about faith, the shield of faith. When used by somebody who knows what they are doing, the shield can also be used offensively, And he talked about where faith resides within us. It isn't on our arm, where a shield would normally go. Faith lives in our memory.
Just thinking about that blows my mind. It is so accurate. Our thoughts, in the most literal sense define us. This is how faith is a choice. What do we choose to remember?
Our memory. That is why God asks us to read scripture over and over again; that is why journaling about experiences that bolster our faith is important. That is why God tells us over and over again to remember things.
There is a scripture in Alma chapter 32 that compares faith to a seed, and we plant it in our hearts and nourish it. If the seed is good it will grow and produce fruit. I think the fruit of faith is memories. Interpretations of life events even. A lens that we can see the world with, and interpret God in our life. We can go ahead and plant that seed in our hearts, but it is going to live in our minds, and grow based on memories.
That is why we are reminded in the sacrament prayer "always remember him, and keep his commandments that he has given them." That prayer is saying to remember Jesus. Faith in Jesus the shield. What we remember is a choice. Our brain is truly so powerful.
So, I am still going to church. It is a struggle every Sunday to convince myself to try again. I have had friends ask,"Why do you still go?" These are kind friends, who are worried about me, and they aren't trying to persuade me one way or another. I feel like I have a lot I need to learn, and I can learn it by going to church with my imperfection. Maybe I could learn it somewhere else too, but I can certainly learn it here. I can learn forgiveness, patience, reliance on God instead of man, and humility.
I have felt God's love again. Even at church. It usually comes through music, when I am singing. I have also felt it in the smiles of people around me, all of us trying to strengthen our faith. But, when I think about Jesus, and remember Him, it is easier.
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This is beautiful Evelyn!
ReplyDeleteI loved this! I know exactly how hard it can be. I first recognised depression because i had gone to a meeting at church. Everyone kept saying how spiritual it was and I felt so horrible. I had been feeling horrible for a while. It gave me enough perspective to get help.
ReplyDeleteI've wondered if our Father allows us to experience some things without his presence so we can own our decisions even more. So that someday we can look back and say to ourselves "I chose Him even when it was hard to feel his assurance."
I love you Evelyn. Thanks for giving me something to think about