The Scampering Horse

My father-in-law is one of the men of legends. Anyone who has met him has a story. He is a man of deep passion, eclectic interests and communication, he can literally fix anything, and he loves to serve. Put all of these things into a Charles, and there are stories-especially with his children. I'm fortunate to be married to one of them so when the siblings get together there are stories of tiling floors, ordering pizza when his wife wanted to eat food storage for a week, a Corvette in process of repair in the garage, searches of treasure, gun shooting adventures, and on and on.  Charles recently broke his hip. Ouch. Seriously. Both in the breaking and repairing of the hip. We've all been worried. Living far away is really hard at times like this. My heart, and my husband's heart with with Mom and Dad in Arizona.  During Thanksgiving, the Hornbargers were reunited. Ian, his brother Spencer with Miriam, and his sister Beth with Brandon. Spouses of in-laws are fun. We ...

"I'm going to miss you." I had some tears coming out of both my eyes by then. It feels awkward crying to an image on a computer screen. It was far less awkward when we met in person. My counselor had the best tissues, and there were boxes all over the office. Forgetting that I cry every time, I usually ended up wiping my eyes and nose on my sleeve.  This was what I was doing when I closed the computer screen after not making a return appointment. Graduating from counseling wasn't like graduating from high school. Nobody was there. I didn't have a party. I didn't even get the chance to buy a pretty dress and new shoes, because I didn't know I was graduating. I mean, I knew I didn't need my counselor multiple times a day like I used to. I wasn't suicidal anymore. I wasn't climbing through a marsh in my mind to find the light like I used to. I wasn't having panic attacks at church. I wasn't swallowed up in a pit of self-doubt, and judg...

Lil' Cornbread. That's my rapper name. I found out through my friend Deja's Ruddick's LulaRoe facebook group . It was possibly the best thing that happened to me that day. I've been doing the mom thing lately. Heavy on the mom thing. Making lunches for school, forcing my children to brush their hair in the mornings, looking for shoes before we go anywhere, managing tantrums about homework, enforcing chores, and occasionally making dinner. Usually Ian makes dinner, which is awesome, but sometimes I do it. I know, you're impressed. It's impressive. On the particular day of my name giving, I made a crock-pot of pinto beans, and a double batch of cornbread. My kids freaking loved this meal. They put cheese on those beans and went to town with the honey and butter on the cornbread. Not only was the meal on the cheap, but it was received with enthusiasm. The graphic where I got my name ended up being Lil' and the last thing you ate together, and that is y...

I've spent the last year treating my depression with increasing intensity. While I was teaching last year, I took several days a month for medical visits. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time, increased my counseling sessions-traveling to Denver every month. I trained for a marathon, and spent a few minutes every day writing. Things were going pretty well, and I felt like I had a handle on my mental health. Then, I had a shattering life event that ripped the ground from beneath my feet. The news came to me on a Thursday. I couldn't get to my counselor over the weekend. Monday, I went to work. I was home before 9:00 in the morning, sobbing. By that night, I had suicidal ideation more intensely than ever before. I'd never before had a plan, but this time I knew exactly where, and what I would do. It was terrifying. I reached out to a group of friends that I consider home. They told me they understood. They told me they would sit with me in the darkness. I was able to s...

My cat, prince, has been cheating on me for the past two years. He has lived months at a time at the neighbor's house. We've had kittens, puppies, another male cat, all of which Prince did not like. Instead of working out his problems through talking, he took off. Occasionally we would catch him and bring him home where he would hiss at us for a few days, and then he would be off to the other woman's house. When he would return, he was thinner, smelled heavenly, and had remarkably shiny fur. Well, on Sunday, I finally met the other woman at a block party. And she is delightful! I kind of thought she would be, but my suspicions were confirmed. Prince has been home for several months now. We made the choice to take the other cats at our house to live on a Nebraska farm in a barn, and keep Prince happy. It's been working. He meows at our door, and no longer hisses, and sleeps on various beds at night. He hasn't smelled like the other woman for months. "Did y...

The evening before the solar eclipse I talked to a man who came from California to Nebraska to see it in totality. He told me about watching a solar eclipse in Hawaii next to the hot flowing lava of a volcano. "The lava was nothing compared to the totality of the eclipse. It is the single most spectacular event in nature I've ever seen." Oh, so I guess it's worth me driving an hour and a half to Alliance to see it? Let me get in my van and do this thing. Since we were going to Alliance, I really wanted to watch the solar event at Carhenge. Carhenge makes me laugh. And I like to think of the people who created Stonehenge and tracked the astronomical events, maybe even watching their own solar ecplise, and I feel connected to humanity in a tribal way. But the connection comes with satire, because, cars stacked in representation of gigantic pagan stones. It's funny, people. Turns out, I was one of many who thought watching the eclipse at this location would be...

I think there are going to be 20,000 extra in people in Sidney this weekend to watch the solar eclipse. We are in a good spot. 97-99% completion. I hear the sky gets dark. Will I see stars? I'm not teaching this year. I made the decision last year. It was a tough one. I love my students. I love researching, and getting dressed, and having fantastic discussions about interesting things. I love CNN student news, eating lunch in the cafeteria, and having the same work schedule as my children. But committing for a full year felt too much. There was also a lot of unknowns with teaching. I wasn't sure about the status of my husband's job with the Cabela's/Bass Pro merger. I knew the school I taught at would suffer if I had to break a contract for some reason. And, the fire in my belly for writing was burning. It all aligned. Write. Provo, Seattle, Park City, Sidney, Potter. These have been the location of my writing adventures this summer. Right now I am in Park City,...

Bunny Nest Dead baby nearby But a heart beats in the nest Mommy please come back. Baby Jesus and Baby Bunny Both were born outside Jesus had wise men visit The bunny gets us Julieku to the bunny...she follows no syllabic rules I love my bunny friend With it, adventures never end. And it's cuteness has no end. Sleeping On the Trampoline Near the Bunny Nest Someone must keep guard Julie and I listen close Crickets sing their songs Julie's Feelings About the Bunny Our dog makes her scared She thinks now of the nine puppies Both furs feel so soft Background On the Nine Puppies We fostered Margot She ran away and did it Puppy Christmas came What if Baby Bunny Dies ? Trying feels hollow The bunny is so tiny Our tears will make mud The Sounds of Night No crying bunny Crickets and cicadas chirp The moon stays silent Morning Came No bunny tracks found The baby is an orphan Now it’s up to us Feedi...

I told my psychiatrist I'm tired. I've been telling my doctors this for years. "How many children do you have?" "Four." "Oh, yeah. It's probably time of life. I'll order labs, though and we can check everything over and make sure there isn't an underlying condition." My psychiatrist ordered labs. We're checking my thyroid again. It has something to do with the gigantic growth on my thyroid. It is the size of a something. I can't tell because I only see a little bit of it that is protruding from my voicebox region.  I had the bump biopsied years ago. Throat bumps are named Nodules. I do not reccomend naming a child this. Nodule is not a beautiful name. Biopsies are an uncomfortable experience if you don't like sharp things near your throat. I don't. I know, weird. I also had it nuclear imaged, or something like that. I swallowed a dye. And then there were swirly colorful ultrasound images. And then I thought I would ...

I feel like I need them in my house. Always. I like them with peanut butter for breakfast. Or sometimes I like toast with bananas and peanut butter. Or if I'm feeling crazy, bananas with Nutella. Or bananas cut up in ice cream or yogurt, or sliced into my morning Frosted Flakes cereal. Bananas make life better. When I was younger, my life was made up of banana shakes. Recipe: frozen bananas powdered milk (like the actual powder folks. Don't turn it into milk) ice protein powder or malted milk if you have it sometimes vanilla a little water Blend until creamy. Then drink that glorious liquid up. My Grandma Helen who lives in southern Arizona makes THE BEST banana shakes. She always has malted milk. Our portions of banana shake are served in yogurt cups that had been washed out. (Fruit on the bottom guys. How was that ever a thing? Ewww. Pre-stirred is way better. Unless it is Noosa. Somehow Noosa figured that out). So I buy bananas. But here's the thing. T...

I finished reading "A Handmaid's Tale" yesterday by Margaret Atwood. What a book. It made me think a lot about what women expect other women to do, and how we punish each other. I totally do this, and I have ever since I was little. Growing up I was told a lot about "modesty." For me, this meant not showing my shoulders, and having shorts that were only a couple of inches above the knee. I never wore bikinis. Like, I've never worn a bikini. These rules were enforced by my mom, especially. Modesty in this sense were important to her. I'm not sure exactly why, but I do remember her telling me that boys would see me in short shorts and think it was awesome because it was only a short way to my lady parts. I remember saying, "That's on them. Their thoughts are up to them." Ok, so my thoughts on modesty have changed a bit, and I am sort of confused about what I think and what I want to teach my girls. In the book the women were completely c...

Every morning I drive about 30 minutes to work. I drive along a two lane highway. Often I have to pass a gigantic tractor that looks like a Godzilla grasshopper. In the winter sometimes I end up behind a snow plow. Usually, I just drive around 60 mph and see lovely black cows, wheat fields that are yellow and currently resting.  Once, I hit a pretty white bird and it was trapped in the hood of my car. Ew. Before the elementary kids got on the bus, Mrs. Gunderson grabbed the pretty dead bird by it's orange foot and threw it into the trees for me. That was sort of a sad start to the day. I usually see some bunnies, a pheasant, and at night I see mice scurrying across the road. Once I had to come to a complete stop while three deer stood in the middle of the road. I felt like I narrowly escaped death. This week has been pretty exciting. Monday morning started with a speeding ticket before I even left town. The officer was very professional as he gave me my ticket.  It loo...

My friend asked a question, "If you only had a month to live, what would you do?" I knew instinctively what I would do,"Eat everything, and hike everywhere." But, my kids and husband have taken a trip to Arizona to visit the in-laws, and I am working. Teachers, I don't know if most of you know this, don't really get time off during the school year. We get it all in one big sha-bang called Summer Vacation. Anywhoo's, I am bacheloretting it this week. Oh my gosh, I just said bachelorette. Then I thought of what it would be like if I was having an alcohol-free cocktail party where all kinds of aspiring husbands and children came to my house and tried to get me to be their mother/wife, and I handed out roses. Chris Harrison would be there to make it all seem official and say,"Children, gentlemen, the final rose." Then the kids in their formal dresses and sno-cones (yes, there would for sure be sno-cones) would be crying into the camera about ...

Do you think your body remembers trauma? I do. I think it remembers. I broke my left wrist trying to do a flip on the trampoline in sixth grade, and my right wrist falling while playing basketball the following one. I think my body remembers those. If I took an x-ray I would probably have bone scars or whatever.  My body remembers what it is like to be pregnant because I hear about a woman who is in her first trimester and I get shadows of nausea.  Does it remember emotional trauma, too? It happened as many things in life do... with friends. Throughout my life, I have had the happy luxury of making friends with people at every stage of life. My life in Sidney was no different. Moving from Albuquerque to Nebraska was difficult in many ways, but not because I didn't have friends. I had a great group of friends. We ran together, signing up for races that involved eating at a restaurant, and having our husbands watch the children. We had play dates with our children togeth...