Graduating Counseling: Teach Me How to Say Goodbye

"I'm going to miss you." I had some tears coming out of both my eyes by then. It feels awkward crying to an image on a computer screen. It was far less awkward when we met in person. My counselor had the best tissues, and there were boxes all over the office. Forgetting that I cry every time, I usually ended up wiping my eyes and nose on my sleeve.  This was what I was doing when I closed the computer screen after not making a return appointment.

Graduating from counseling wasn't like graduating from high school. Nobody was there. I didn't have a party. I didn't even get the chance to buy a pretty dress and new shoes, because I didn't know I was graduating.

I mean, I knew I didn't need my counselor multiple times a day like I used to. I wasn't suicidal anymore. I wasn't climbing through a marsh in my mind to find the light like I used to. I wasn't having panic attacks at church. I wasn't swallowed up in a pit of self-doubt, and judgement. So, I guess I should have seen it coming.

The past two counseling sessions were about maintaining how good I was feeling. Fill up those buckets! I can't run my life like a Prius, because I am a bright pink gas guzzling Hummer. The magic formula: medicine, exercise at least four times a week, social interaction, simplifying life, being assertive, making time for creativity daily, keeping expectations of myself realistic, and not over-scheduling. Easy peazy lemon squeezy! It only took forever to create those habits and recognize the patterns and develop the support system to be happy in.

I went to him first to learn to forgive. My life was consumed with the need to forgive. Guess what? I never did forgive the way I thought forgiveness looked like. But, I learned how to navigate living with the lack of forgiveness, but the desire to forgive. But, that little 'ole pesky social situation was overshadowed by something ten million times harder. A catastrophic life event that kicked my depression into full gear. That's when my counselor and I had an emergency session. The one when I left work mid-day and drove to Denver. We had a very specific task oriented conversation. Daily Schedule. What are you going to eat? What protein are you going to have? When are you going to take a walk? When are you going to sing? When are you going to meet up with a friend? Write it down. Schedule my week.

My counselor kept God in my life, and myself in this world. I don't know how you repay somebody for that. I don't know how to say goodbye to that.

So, pushed the computer screen down and just cried.