My First-born Panic Attack

I couldn't breath this morning.

This has never happened to me before. The lack of breathing thing. Except in water, but that is only because I am not a fish. Nor am I a mermaid. I assume mermaids have some sort of gill concoction that allows them to breath under water, otherwise, how do they give Peter Pan air when they are swimming? Or after I ran a 400m in high school. That is how I know I ran it as hard as I could, and it was to be expected.

Back to my baby panic attack, I was trying to eat my bowl of Frosted-flakes (because when I am feeling depressed, I don't worry about eating sugary cereal) and thinking about my day-which got me thinking about my week, and in consequence my life, and I couldn't get enough air. My eyes started watering, because I felt out of control and completely inadequate to finish making the lunches, get my four year old to put on a jacket, get my kids to school on time, and chaperone my daughter's 1st grade field trip. The overwhelming thought was "I am a burden to those around me. I am incapable of being a wife, mother, and friend."

I know as well as you do, that logic says this isn't true. It isn't true. We all have room for improvement, but the truth is, I am the only one who can be a wife and mother to my family, and I am not a perfect friend, but those who know me understand that I am going through an extremely difficult time right now, but I am a fun, creative, and deeply loving friend.

However, logic didn't matter, because the other logic was, I couldn't breath. Not enough air was going into the lungs. I was trying to get enough air. Ian came into the house and he saw me on the ground beside the couch with tears in my eyes and he asked what was wrong?

"I don't know. I can't breath."
"Oh, you are having a panic attack. This is new for you." Yes, it was new for me.

"Sit down on the couch and just relax, and take your time."

The thing is, I didn't have a lot of time because I needed to follow the bus to the zoo for my first grader. She was counting on me. She was counting on me and I was letting her down. This did not help resolve my panic.

I tried to clear my mind. I kind of did. Enough to breath. It didn't take long for the breathing to get back to normal, but I have had a knotted twirly stomach all day, and a feeling of impending doom.

I guess I have anxiety now. Go me.
I will name my baby panic-attack Humphrey, and I think he's a smoker.