The two year old, a fickle mistress

The two year old. Some people refer to this stage of humanity as "The Terrible Twos." I had a different variety before this one of the homo puella adorable classification. They were sweet and little and turned into whinny three year olds. I thought the “terrible twos” were imaginary. Well, I finally got one that lives up to the well known title. Some of her antics include painting the toilet with purple nail polish, opening of childproof lids and emptying an entire big bottle of baby-oil on the new carpet, consistently screaming in grocery stores, refusing to eat and then eating dirt, and giving my five month baby a razor to play with. I’ve come to the end of patience and beyond.

There are, I have learned, several varieties of two year old. I will tell you about the kind that currently resides at my house.

  Homo puella efferus 

Common name: Naughtybody

Homo puella efferus: Latin meaning, cruel or savage girl.

Origins:

It is difficult to say who was the first Naughtybody (Homo puella efferus). Research on the origins of the human two year old are difficult to come by. Perhaps their elusive nature contributes to the lack of information.

Reminding us of Sasquatch.

The source of modern knowledge, Wikipedia, has very little to say on the subject. Typing in "terrible twos" I am referred to a band who calls themselves “The Terrible Twos,” a comic strip, and a childhood developmental stage. (Apparently, children aged two like to say “no.” Thank you for enlightening us). This does not tell us much about the daily habits of the Naughtybody. Allow me.

The birthday suit is best.


Environment and Diet:

In their natural habitat, the Naughtybody prefers to remain without clothing, fancying the feeling of skin to air. This allows for optimal embarrassment to their caregivers, advantageous discard of human waste wherever is gross, and discord in their daily life.  When clothing must be applied, this gives them a chance to fight. Perhaps the two year old loves discord. Their diet of choice consists of cheese, popcorn, popsicles, and sippy cups full of chocolate milk. They would like for these items to be grazed on at leisure. The lack of access to their favorite foods leads to tantrums.

Throwing themselves on the floor.  A common tantrum tactic.

Physical Characteristics:

Naughtybodies, like other varieties of two year old,  have bellies that protrude from their abdomens.  They like to run, swinging their arms aggressively by their sides. They like being chased, especially out into traffic. (Apologies for the lack of images, but you understand). The naughty body will find reasons to be chased, even when chasing is not optimal and downright dangerous.

The feline has learned to defend its self against the headlock.

Communication:

Their verbal expressions include words: mommy, bubbo (bubble, same word for ipad, or baby bubbo for ipod), swimming soup (swimming suit), kokate mewk (chocolate milk), and woos (juice). 

When you are this cute, you usually get what you want.

Cerebral Activity:

Their young brains often fixate on bubbles and balloons. The world never had so many balloons before the two year old pointed them out at grocery stores, along the road at car lots, in restaurants, banks, and at parties as center pieces. All balloons are seen as instant property of the two year old. Resistance is futile. 

Attempt at comforting.

The Naughtybody are supported by caregivers that attempt to nurture them. The youngling perceives this caretaking as invasive and attempts to fight the caretaker off using loud vocal projections, flailing hands, and persistent kicking of the legs. The two year old is a fickle mistress.

The future of the Naughtybody:

Despite the frequent mutinous acts of the Naughtybody, they are also an enchanting specimen. Their smiles and laughter melt away memories of tantrums and messes. While they are destructibeasts, they also love to discover the world in creative and unexpected ways. 

She really is as cute as can be.

She could happily swing indefinitely.

Their beautiful physical features produce loving emotions towards them, and a desire to ensure their survival to the third birthday. Feelings of love rise up for these small ones when they are being sweet and adorable, and even when  they are being completely unreasonable. The loyalty we humans feel to our two year olds is self evident by the perpetuation of the race.  And, really, there is a little left-over two year old in all of us.