The Scampering Horse

It is time to write again. So, counseling has been interesting. It didn't go the way I thought it would. I thought I would learn how to be happy doing what I am doing. Guys, I was wrong. I have learned how to identify what makes me happy. I feel kind of dumb having to go to a counselor to tell me: writing makes you happy, singing makes you happy, being outside of your house makes you happy. I have also have learned a mantra. I was surprised about the mantra I had to learn. Here it is:"I have done nothing wrong. I will not feel guilty." I don't consider myself a person who carries around a lot of guilt. My self-awareness is lacking. I do have guilt. I have tons, and for things I shouldn't feel guilty about. For example: telling people no, setting boundaries, wanting to work outside of the home, friend guilt, family guilt, tons of mom guilt. Different than what I thought. All the guilt is layered and comes up at different times, and gives me a lot of s...

I really love hiking. I love it even more when backpacking is involved. When I dream of freedom, I am back at Philmont. A pack on my back, my feet in hiking boots and wool socks, and nothing on the schedule but hike all day long. Point to a spot on the map and follow the trails to get there. The Tooth of Time. Hiking the switchbacks up and down this thing is exhausting mentally. Big parts of my teenage and college summers were Philmont Scout Ranch.  I went to Philmont twice as a girl, hiked twice in high school, and then worked there two summers in college. My most intense hiking was on a program called Rayado. 21 days of backcountry, intense hiking, and secrets. Not a chamber of secrets, but secrets. Does anyone else think of a chamber-pot of secrets? And then you are like, those aren't secrets, we know exactly what is in a chamber pot. Anyways, Rayado is a program of secrets that I can't tell you about. But, only because I want all of you to go on Rayado and find out ...

This is a real smile from someone who doesn't have to fake it. I started counseling. Just barely started. I am not better yet. I hope I will get better.  We'll see. I have homework. Take a 20 minute walk every day outside with my back straight. Write or paint 10 minutes every day. Make a list of 50 things I am grateful for. Watch comedies so I can laugh and smile. This is a fake smile from someone doing counseling homework. Has it been 10 minutes yet? Nope. Only 5. So, I guess I am what they call "severely depressed." Another popular term is "experiencing a depressive episode." I am textbook. Textbook.  It makes me annoyed that a book about depression can explain and predict my behaviors so accurately. Isolation, check; lethargy, check; lack of interest in activities, check. Stupid book. The good news is, I can still laugh. Even people in the depths of despair can laugh. I've laughed about a lot of sad things lately. ...