Depression and a Bad Day

Bad days are bad.

This is a post about depression. I am going to talk about how I have it, what I feel like in the lows, and what I do to make it through. I am also going to give a some suggestions to help support people with depression.

Depression isn't who I am. I am fine 80% of the time. I don't even have to worry about it, except to avoid triggers. I struggle the other 20%. I lose 1%. If I put that into a calendar year, I have 3 or 4 bad days a year. 

If you've met me, you might not even realize I have depression. Probably not. It is hard to tell what is going on in someone's head unless they tell you. I am telling you about me. Some people can probably relate, but depression is going to be individual as well. I have 3 bad days a year. Other people have a lot more, some will have less.

Most of the time, depression stays at a distance and I live. I take my kids to the zoo. I wash dishes. I prepare meals. Then, I can feel it creeping on. Like a distant fog that is getting closer. Usually the fog is triggered. Lately, the trigger has been feeling overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed by potty training, by whining children, by the lack of a full night sleep. Being a stay at home mom is a lot of work with a lot of demands. Most of the time I keep my depression at bay and I can manage it. I may be grumpy and more tired than normal, but it doesn't overwhelm me. 

But, sometimes I have a bad day.

I will probably be in my bed. I will not say many words. My eyes don't want to open. Every hour is a struggle to make it to the next hour. 

It is alone. 

It is cloudy. 

It is sad. 

It is deeply cold. 

It is hopeless. 

It is  frightening. 

It is frightening that I have suicidal thoughts that slip in and out of the fog. It is frightening that I feel nothing to live for. And, it is frightening now to write about that.

A couple of years ago I went to a funeral of someone my own age. I was 29. I was the date to this boy to his Albuquerque High senior prom. 2001. We rode with his friends in a limo, and had a fancy dinner. We danced past midnight. Ten years later, he had just graduated from law school, was engaged to be married in a couple of months. His life was really just beginning. Then, there I was at his funeral. His devastated fiancee sitting in the front row next to his mother. Friends talked at a microphone of his compassion and intellect. He had bought a gun one day in Oregon and used it to end his life. 

A bad day. 

You might not know that I have depression because I treat it and manage it. But, sometimes it wins. It makes me hide. I don't answer phone calls. I don't answer emails. I disappear inside. It feels like I'm not there anymore. 

When I am in it, I just tell myself that it won't last. This isn't me. This isn't my life. It is a bad day.

Just survive.

After I wrote this blog post I had several messages from friends. Some from people who have depression, and some from the support people surrounding them. So, I do think it is important. It is important because depression is dangerous, and deadly, and the nature of the disease is to keep it secret. "Shhhh...don't tell anyone. You aren't even worth talking about." 

Well, obviously that isn't true. Life is so precious, and full of so many possibilities, but when I am low, it FEELS true, and the feelings take on their own reality.

I usually have warning. I can feel that life is getting hard, my temper is getting worse, life is looking dreary. Sometimes it takes months to reach the low. Sometimes it happens in a moment, because I have some very strong triggers that act quickly and debilitate me in an instant.

My survival plan

1) I sleep. I am most likely exhausted.

2) I tell my husband. It is very important that I say the words,"I am having a bad day." Because the words that want to come out are,"I am fine. Don't worry about me." The reality is, I am not fine. I want to be left entirely alone. Completely alone. This is a dangerous plan. 

3) I call the one person I know I can call. It is really important that she answers. 

I tell her I am sad. Somehow, sharing my feelings with someone helps. It breaks through the fog. 

4)I avoid my triggers. I can't express how important it is to know what triggers the depression. Write down what is going on when you are feeling low and figure out the patterns. Some triggers are unavoidable, but it helps to know when you are going into a situation that is going to be stressful. Some of my triggers are: losing my keys, reading/hearing/watching violence towards women and children (I haven't seen any of The Hunger Games movies), broken sleep. The triggers are different for everyone. 

5) The people who support me have a big hard job on these bad days. They need to be around so I can rest. I won't want them around. They need to be around so I stay safe and so my children stay safe. They need to pick up on the signs incase I don't say anything. I will try to hide the signs. They need to treat me like I matter, but not like my feelings are reality. I won't believe that anything is good. They need to get me out of my bed, and preferably outside. I won't want to go. They need to get me to move my body. I will want to stay in bed.

6) When I am feeling a little better, I need to call my doctor. It would be great if I could do that on the bad day, but it is just impractical. 

I'm coming off of a low. It takes time to get my brain back up to normal, but it will happen. Life is good. My kids are cute. They aren't trying to torture me. I like taking photographs. I like being with friends. I enjoy feeling the sun on my skin. Food is actually delicious. 

Welcome back reality. I missed you.